dumb rant (vent?)

i hate myself so much for writing this, and on my own website? not really cool, but i need to let this out. i can't keep bottling up my feelings, because no matter how much i try to avoid them; they always come back to get me. every day is the exact same, and nothing is different. after a while; all my accomplishments are in the past, and don't matter. nothing i do will ever make a difference in this disgusting, pathetic place. because we all are slowly rotting away, in every way possible. our bodies are slowly decaying, our world is slowly rotting, and we all know it. this place makes me sick. there is absolutely no purpose in doing anything, besides surviving, which is inevitably impossible. none of us survive this place, and we never will. no matter how many people waste their lives away here. people have nothing better to do than scar others with their absolute bleakness, and over the smallest of things. it doesn't matter if someone is another race, it doesn't matter whether they are rich; or poor, and it doesn't matter if someone is male; or female. we all bleed pools of red, and we will all die no matter our attempts to resist. i don't understand it, so many others are still clinging onto arrogance disguised as their very own self respect. but i guess i never will understand. maybe i will once i pass on. yet; at the end of the day, no matter how hard i try, i won't ever be remembered; and i won't exist in the memories of generations to come because no one will remember me. but then again, there is something so very comforting about that fact as well; something that brings me to a feeling of contentment. no more people to depend on me, no one to expect anything of me, no one to think of me. possibly like having a second chance to come up for air after being drowned. it would be the contentment of having nothing, of knowing nothing, and of being nothing. and when that day comes; i will be at rest. something at times i so desperately long to feel. the world is such an expectant place, you can almost feel others eyes crawling along you, like diminutive bugs you are unable to scratch away. i feel them, touching my skin, my mind, my thoughts. the weight of the world is so overwhelming at times. so much judgement, and so much hurt, at times you can almost feel others pain. and then there is always the thought that you will never be unique, or have anything to yourself. every thought you have ever thought, has already ran around someone else's mind, perhaps millions of times. probably millions of people feel the same as i do, and maybe even another few million would hate me for any of this. perhaps a couple would take my life for this. emotions are so complicated. you can ruin someone's mood so easily, or make someone's day just as easily. emotions determine our outlook on life based on the events occurring around us. they allow us to empathize with other humans, perhaps to share in joy or in pain. then again, our emotions are so restricting, and confining. it's the absolute bane of my existence. we are often told to appreciate what we have because there are people that have it much worse, and i fully agree with said statement. but that shouldn't be something that is holding us back from hurting, crying, or expressing such emotions, whether male, female, or whatever; that doesn't fucking matter. that needs to be better understood, and recognized. another thing that i can only simply put as irritating is the act of assumption. if you are always assuming you know how others think and feel, you stop listening and communicating, and leave them feeling trapped or hurt. at times, our pain can be so unbearable and overwhelming; that we psychologically project our deepest pains onto them, causing so much mental distruction. this is also known as displacement, which happens a lot more than the average person would think. and honestly, i find it tragic. i personally believe that we all encounter negative, possibly even devastating situations. whether it be abuse, bullying, discrimination, racism, whatever; this experience on life won't be a perfect one. if anything it's most definitely going to be mediocere at best. people are always going to exist that wish you harm, wanting to deceive you, twist you mentally in their own sick way. tragically, too many people find themselves caught in the hands of such people and lingering under their grasp longer than what is safe or comfortable. those people don't care about you, they care about themselves. which makes me sick. i hate how flawed the world is, and i know it's always going to be this way. nothing i do or say will ever change it, so i'm just stuck here, looking on at all the mistakes and failures that are never going to go away. even if i get some solace in my memories of what was, i still wouldn't be able to escape my knowledge of how i feel. i feel so still, i feel left to rot with my thoughts. when you put it like so, it almost sounds like a curse; but in some ways it is. there is so much beauty here, yet so much disgust at the exact same time; it physically pains me. yet, then again; i am no better, i am just another person playing the game. i am here without purpose, and i have no desired outcome. i may be torn between the allure of love and meaning, and the endless possibilities afforded by loving nothingness; but it is impossible to choose.
i apologize for all of this, but please; someone, let me know i'm not insane. let me know i'm not alone.